


If my Heart was a House

by EnchantedToReadYou



Category: Glee
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, M/M, Minor Character Death, Skank Kurt, Slight Age Difference
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-11 13:01:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnchantedToReadYou/pseuds/EnchantedToReadYou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Volunteering to help an addict come clean, Blaine meets his protegé Kurt. Being a former addict himself, Blaine struggles to resist temptation, while he attempts to tear down the walls that protect Kurt. But drugs are not the only temptation he has to resist. Both have secrets they are hesistant to share but when they do, will there be more than trust and friendship between them?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. we need to talk

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song: How to safe a live- The Fray.

Prologue

Blaine Anderson didn´t feel particularly old with 25, but he knew that he had lived his life to the fullest up to this point already. That did include make-out scenes with women when he was intoxicated, drugs and booze, a tour with his former band, parties and a not as clean record as he would like to have. A year ago if one had asked him what he thought of his life, he would have grabbed another bottle of beer, laughed as the drugs kicked in and said that life was fucking amazing. There had been a turning point obviously. Something he wouldn´t dare to delve in deeper, because the fragile, clean life he now had would crumble like dry cookies if he touched it. However it had changed him. His former band was abandoned, booze and drugs banned and he had moved away from LA to New York.

He hadn´t wanted to, but with nobody left and with people refusing to sell him their apartments, he had called his father. Neil Anderson was a business man whose focus had always been on his work as a lawyer and that only. When Blaine had fled home when 16, he had severed all ties with him and that he was now the only one he could call, angered him. Regardless of that, his father had helped him under his conditions. After going to rehab for several month, his father had bought him a small apartment in New York, far away from the band members in LA and he was forced to cease all contact to them if he wanted his father to wipe his record. Another one of Neil´s conditions was now to be met, two to be exact, and for the first time Blaine found himself appreciating the task he was supposed to do.

The weekly call that he was about to do agitated him less than it had two month ago as well. As expected his father accepted the call within seconds, as if his mobile phone was attached to his body already. It probably would be if technology had gotten this far by then. “Blaine.” Neil said, voice gruff and his speech limited to as few words as he could possibly use.  
“Father. I have received the letter you send me. So what exactly do you want me to do?” In the background Blaine could hear voices, but that was to be expected, as his father seemed to live in his office nowadays.

“Good. Just attend the meeting on the address that I provided. They will explain what it is that you should do.”  
“Okay.”Blaine said.  
“Job?”  
Blaine sighed, knowing what his father would ask before he did. It was him checking if Blaine had his life under control. He probably knew already, since he wouldn´t trust his son to simply come clean by himself and let him be investigated by detectives or something.   
“Yes, I still work as a waiter, and yes I could do better. Go on.”  
“College?” His father asked.  
“Good grates, teachers like me yada, yada.”   
“Rent?”  
“Paid.”,Blaine answered.”Can we cut this short, I think I need to leave soon if I want to arrive at the center in time. I haven´t had any contact with them, I shower every day and even brush my teeth trice a day. I attend the violin lessons accordingly and my apartment is spottless.“

Phone still pressed to his ear, supported by his shoulder, he pulled on his shoes in the tiny hall of his apartment. He balanced himself on one foot, dangerously swaying until he was finally dressed.  
“Very well. Don´t forget the drug test two days from now. I expect the results on my desk by Monday.”  
Without a goodbye, Neil disconnected the call, but Blaine hadn´t expected one either way. The letter with the address of the center he shoved into the inside pocket of his jacket as he left his apartment. 

Blaine felt nervous on the way to the center, unsure of what he was expected to do and most importantly if he was able to help at all. It was voluntary work and even if it wasn´t the first time he had to do one, it was the first one related to drugs. He felt like he could cope with it better now, recovery was a bumpy road but not one he liked to look back on, so this task would be more challenging. He had felt the urge to buy cocaine again sometimes and he wasn´t proud of it. Especially when the stress level rose and his loneliness constricted him, but he had always managed to resist temptation. He had a good reason to do so at that. 

Exiting the always full subway,it took some time to find the building and he barely made it in time. The center was unlike what he had expected. Instead of a floor in a skyscraper it was a two floor house. It was only slightly bigger than a average family house and could use a repaint job, but it at least emitted a cozy feeling.  
Knowing his father, he had expected something more uptight and high-end, and standing in front of something that resembled a family house in Ohio was a obstacle he hadn´t thought he would have. Shyly, he checked if his clothes were still in check before pressing his finger on the small button that rang a bell that he could hear through the front door. It took time for the occupants of the center to open the door, enough time to check twice if he really was on time and once if the address was right.   
When a dark-skinned girl finally opened the door and looked at him as if he was interrupting something, his greetings got stuck in his throat.

“Yeah?” She finally asked, noisily chewing a pink gum. The purple and yellow combination she wore complimented her round body. If it weren´t for the annoyed expression she wore, he would have found her adorable. If only he weren´t forced to watch her chewing.  
“Uh…I´m Blaine Anderson. I am a volunteer for the Smile project and was supposed to meet with the head of the institute to have my first instructions.” Blaine said, phrasing it as a question.   
“Another one? You should be grateful Sue isn´t here today, or she would rip off your prep boy head.”The girl remarked as if he should know whoever Sue was, before turning back to him and yelling. “No shoes in this house!”

He was quick to comply, leaving his shoes at the door, before following her. As he walked, he caught glimpses of the many small rooms that were connected to the narrow hall. Right in front of them, at the end of the hall,were the stairs that lead upstairs. The girl whipped around too sudden for Blaine to stop and they collided. He mumbled a quiet sorry, rubbing the place on his forehead where it had met hers.  
“What are you doing?” She spat, hands on her hips.  
“Well I thought-.  
“Listen, if you really want to do this job, especially with Kurt, it will do you no good being clumsy or shy. The office is the second door on the right side.” She then ascended the stairs, leaving him alone with his mouth open. 

Dumbfounded he walked back and noticed that the office doors were labeled as such. There were two, one that stated the office belonged to one Sue Sylvester, the other to Isabelle Wright –Project Manager of Smile. Remembering the words of the dark-skinned girl, he tried to shake off his nervousness. He had played in front of hundreds of people, had had his fans wrapped around his pinky finger and he still was shy when it came to facing new tasks. Given the fact that he had spend his time in the band high or drunken, it wasn´t that big of a surprise that starting a normal life was huge in comparison. He took a deep breath, encouraged himself with an interior pep talk, before knocking. A high pitched voice beckoned him to come inside and he did. 

The office of Mrs. Wright was as small as the rooms he had had a glimpse of while entering, but it was stuffed with shelves, a big desk, and several little figurines, all fashionably dressed. The woman sitting at the desk stood up when he entered, her smile motherly and her blond long hair curled around her designer outfit. She wasn´t what caught his eyes at first though. It was the tall boy, with light-blue streaks in his short brown hair, the blue eyes that were rimmed with equally blue eyeliner and his ripped grey shirt that was smudges by multicolored spray cans. He was pale and in a way disturbingly unique and handsome apart from the scowl and the guarded posture. It didn´t take an expert to figure out that he was the one he would be working with at the Smile project. And he wasn´t delighted to see him it seemed.  
“Blaine, right? Please take a seat. Tea or coffee?” Mrs. Wright asked, after shaking his hands. He sat down, locking his gaze with the cluttered desk instead of the boy that stood few feet away.  
“Coffee, please.”  
“Of course.” She said.”Meanwhile let me introduce you to Kurt. Kurt this is Blaine Anderson. He is the one I told you about. He will be the you will spend the next months with, your Buddy that will listen to you when you feel down or help you cope with other problems. Blaine will be your support system.”

Kurt gave no indication that he had listened and Blaine felt stupid with his hand outstretched, so he put it back in his lap.   
“Say hello, Kurt!” He ignored her.   
Shortly after, the boy left the room and didn’t return. Mrs. Wright sighed, but was obviously already used to such behavior. She handed him his coffee, and he took it without mentioning that he liked it with milk.   
“Excuse me for asking, but what exactly is it that you expect me to do? Visit him twice a week?”  
“Well Blaine,”She took a sip from her cup before resuming.”I have known your father for years and believe it or not, I feel like I have known you for just as long as that. I also know that he was the one that got you this job.So here is me hoping that you will prove to be good at it. The Smile Project is something I have started because when I was younger, it took a stranger that listened to me, explained things to me and got me on the right track again. This is what you are supposed to do. Kurt arrived here two month ago, drenched, bloody and begging for money. New York’s streets have roughened him up and we provided him with shelter here. In this center, we have many rules, one of them is no drug-use. Kurt just won´t stop and I don´t have it in my heart to throw him out. He can be such a good boy, he simply finds it easier not to nowadays.”

Blaine knew now where this was heading, but he wasn´t sure if he was the right one for the job. He had lived his life to the fullest himself and had fallen deeper than he had climbed beforehand. How exactly was he the one that should keep Kurt away from something he struggled with?  
“Mrs. Wright I am not proud of it, but I still visit after rehab sessions monthly. I would love to help you with him, but what exactly makes me the one fit for this?Your connection to my father? I am hardly a good example.”  
She smiled, as if she had known he would say that. Maybe she had. 

“No, not a good example, but someone he can relate to. We have tried to get him to go to therapy sessions, but he regularly skipped them. You however, are someone he could open up to. Talk to him, explain why becoming clean is important. Show him the life he could have freed from drugs. Take him to your after rehab sessions. You are free to do anything that you think would help distract him. ”  
“I don´t know.” He stated.   
“Give it a try. Meet him tomorrow at 4 pm at the coffee shop around the corner called Neeba. I will make sure he is there.”  
“Can I ask what happenes when I don´t get him to stop?”   
Mrs. Wright smiled a sad smile. On one of her shelves he spotted a photo of Kurt when she looked at it. It was the expression he had once seen on his Mom´s face.  
“He will have to leave, I fear.” She answered.  
Blaine found himself ripped of arguments against taking the hob, so he simply nodded and drank his coffee to have an excuse to remain silent. She started chatting, telling him about the center and the other kids that lived here and as much as that interested him, he was glad to go home a while later. He had homework to do shift to work and the idea of being the guardian of an addict to digest.


	2. As he goes left and you stay right

Chapter 2

“Fuck it. Blaine, do something. Shit,shit,shit,shit.”  
“Call for an ambulance. Please stay awake. Shit, help me get him into the tub!”  
“No. You can´t call them. Blaine you can´t.”  
Ten minutes after that, it was too late for an ambulance.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Blaine was lucky to have friends like David, Wes, Sam and Tina. Occasionally they had dinner together after classes, went to karaoke bars or shopping. Things that seemed ordinary to other people, but for Blaine, normal was foreign. As much as he liked them, he was guarded around them, never talking about his past, but for now they didn´t know each other long enough to find it suspicious. Furthermore, he was never quite sure he could trust them to be as kind as they appeared to be. Everyone was trying to impress other people when you got to know them, right? How could he be sure that they wouldn´t turn out to be another bad influence? He couldn´t.

Kurt certainly was another bad influence and he didn´t make an afford to hide the worst aspects of his personality. Neeba was much like any coffee shop in NYC, big, brown colors to keep the coffee ambience and well visited. Buying two plain coffees at 4 pm sharp, he took them to a table situated at a big window that faced New York’s busy streets. He hadn´t expected Kurt to be on time. Blaine wasn´t even sure if he would come at all, but he used the time he waited to check the schedule, he was advised to keep, to have a clear structured life. Tomorrow he had to do a drug test-again and he had agreed to meet David for the football game they would watch at his place. He had finished his coffee, the last sip cold, when Kurt entered the shop. Today he wore a band shirt and black jeans that were ripped at his knees. He seemed to be in suspiciously good mood, the piecing in his lower lip constantly raised. Kurt looked in his direction, but it took a few seconds before he recognized Blaine and came over to slide in the booth opposite of him.

“Hello Kurt.” Blaine said, knowing better than to want to hand shake. He simple gave the now cold coffee a nudge into Kurt´s direction.  
“Hello yourself.”  
From then on, Blaine felt like he was in a rowboat without the oars. Overnight he had thought about the topics he would like to discuss, the way he would approach him. Now his head was empty and he couldn´t look into the dilated eyes of Kurt that reminded him of someone else entirely.  
“So…Tell me something about you.”  
Kurt snickered. “Like what? We both know that you are an unfit boy for this job, that throws around your daddy’s money and gives a shit about me. We also know that right now I am so fucking high that I feel like floating. I´m as high as King-Kong was on the Empire State Building.”  
“Yeah, I know.” Blaine whispered.”I know you are, because I have been there.”  
“Been high? Honey, just because you smoked some weed to disappoint Daddy, doesn´t make you an drug expert.”

Blaine licked his dry lips, trying to count to ten in his head, like Cooper had taught him to do whenever he had to stay calm. It hadn´t worked as often, since he had used other substances that would either make him more violent, or calm and giggling. He was at least 9 years older than Kurt, he was the adult. Still, Kurt´s tease stung in a place that had been left alone for the last months.  
“What is it with you and your father references? Some issues you´d like to talk about?” Blaine bit back.  
He looked at Kurt in time to see the annoying smile vanish.  
“Blaine Anderson, right? I remember reading something about you and your band in the newspaper.” His grin returned and Blaine´s stomach clenched painfully.”One band member dead, and the lead singer, you Honey, left the band. Fans cried- buhu.”  
This took him by surprise. Kurt had seemed sure that he was a snob only minutes ago and even though it had angered him, him knowing about his real past let his resolve crumble. Blaine remembered one time, 3 years ago, when he was awoken and told that he had bashed someone´s head in and nearly killed him. He couldn´t even remember, he had been that high. He felt an urge to hit Kurt, but that wasn´t his place. 

“This is not about me.”He spat.”I am not a runaway punk with drug problems.” He had been though. The same case, only he hadn´t landed in a care center.  
“You don’t know shit about me. I´m gone.”  
With those words, Kurt left the untouched coffee on the table and slowly walked out of the shop. Blaine was unsure what to do, was unsure of why he had come. He was a former drug addict and Kurt was a little closer to his past than he would like anyone to be. Still, one thought made him hurry after Kurt though. What would be at the end of Kurt´s antics?  
“Kurt, wait up.”

He didn´t, but at least he maintained his slow walking, making it easy for Blaine to catch up. When he reached him, he grabbed his shoulder to turn him around, but Kurt hissed and shoved him away. People stared at them as they walked past, probably waiting for a fight to break lose.  
“What could you possibly want from me? Is it the painfully stereotypical speech about how drugs can damage my body, destroy my future and that I am throwing away my life? Shove it in your tight ass, Anderson. I am not on good enough shit to bear that.” Kurt screamed, clearly not bothering who would hear.  
“You said I don´t know anything about you, but I do-“  
“Yeah? Like what?”  
Blaine looked around, nervous, because other than Kurt, he´d like to have his private life private. 

“I know because I have been there. I was in rehab for months and I don´t want you to go through the same thing.”  
For a second time, Kurt lost his smile,this time because he really seemed deep in thought. His teeth played with the piercing of his lower lip and he hugged his body, looking at the ground. Blaine knew it was the big rehab word that worried Kurt. Being an addict was not easy to admit, but going into rehab meant you were too far gone to recover without professional help. That seemed to do the trick, because Kurt walked back into the Coffee shop, ordered something , not bothing to say another word to him.  
Blaine sat down at the place they had recently vacated, the cold coffee still on the table top, observing Kurt while he was buying his drink. He was a little taller than him and even in this shirt he could see that Kurt was too thin. Something he constantly seemed to do was hugging himself, as if the world was out to harm him. It was either a bad trip, or he really was afraid. Blaine decided to delve into that later. For now he had to come up with an idea how he could keep Kurt away from drugs and introduce him to the real world, that could sometimes be much, but was positive in the long run. No one was helped if Kurt lost the grip on reality.  
“A non-fat Mocha.” Kurt stated when he returned. Blaine only raised his eyebrows until he explained. “My coffee order. If you want to keep me interested in this project, at least provide me with coffee. Daily.”  
“Okay, I will.”

Kurt smiled around his mug, never guessing that Blaine meant his words. A few dollars each day was little compared to the life Kurt could easily decide to throw away. Blaine knew that a constant visit from him would strengthen their connection. For now he wasn´t sure if he would like Kurt though, but he would do what he could to do his job.  
“What are your hobbies?” Blaine asked, when the silence seemed to stretch uncomfortably between them.  
“I don´t have any.”  
“Come on, everyone has hobbies. Do you play any instruments, or are interested in art, or at least in watching TV?”  
Kurt scowled. “Are you finished with asking idiotic questions? I am bored.”  
Apparently, asking questions was another thing Kurt was comfortable with. Blaine felt distressed, because talking was really all they were supposed to do today. How should he get to know Kurt, if asking made him be on his guard and bitchy? He tried to have another approach with the same result.  
“Okay, let´s just talk.”

“What about?” Kurt demanded. Blaine himself was very nervous still, but he did what he always did when he wasn´t sure how to act. He asked himself what Cooper would do. It was easier picturing his brother, the one constant in his life, his support system, handling difficult situations.  
“I don´t know where you are from, but believe me, if you ever go to Ohio you have to go to the Lima Bean. The coffee here tastes like crap in comparison.”  
Kurt looked shocked for an instant, recognition visible in his eyes, before he hugged himself again. “Where exactly are you from?”  
“My father often moved, but I spent a majority of my time in Westerville at a boarding school.” Blaine explained.  
“Never liked Ohio. I was glad I could leave when I was 16.” Kurt said.  
Blaine found himself smiling when he finally received some information about him. Part of him felt ridiculous about how proud he was of himself.  
“Me too. Ohio is as homophobic as it can get it seems. Add the brainless jocks that reign public High school, et voila,hell on earth. In my freshman year they called me Fatfries McCurlingson, just because my hair was curly and because I dared to eat French fries in the cafeteria this one day. If that doesn´t proof they share the intellect of a ripe banana, I don´t know what does.”

Tears shone in Kurt’s eyes as he began to giggle. His whole face lit up at that and he seemed as young as he was, not the stony, punk version he made out to be. Blaine joined in and soon people looked at them again.  
“Fatfries? Oh my fucking god.” Kurt said between giggles.”That sounds worse than Sue´s nicknames. Once she asked if I preferred to be called Ticklemedoughface or Porcelain.”  
“What did you choose?” Blaine asked, trying to sound serious, but failing at that. He felt his leg being playfully kicked.  
“Are you kidding me? My skin waited to be acknowledged all along.”  
“So Ticklemedoughface? Good choice.”  
Then Blaine noticed that Kurt had stopped hugging himself and had one hand palm up on the table. Inviting him in.  
“That will be a long name, but I think I´ll manage.” Said Blaine, making Kurt fake a scowl. Their teasing made them giddy and Blaine felt himself relax around Kurt as well. He was doing the right thing, he could help Kurt, he thought for the first time.  
“Fatfries McCurlingson is just as long. And it´s Mr.Ticklemedoughface to you.”  
“May I have your number Mr.Ticklemedoughface?” 

Blaine stopped himself from bowing down, since he didn´t want to frighten him off if he decided he was a little too goofy.  
“Well I could give it to you, but my phone is currently confiscated. And once in the realm of the dark dragon Sue, who knows if I will ever see it again.” Answered Kurt.  
They had stopped giggling, but still wore their smiles. The background music changed to another piano piece that resembled elevator music.  
“If that´s the case, I will pick you up on Saturday at 11 am.”  
At that he watched Kurt retract, arms around his upper torso again, the smile no longer carefree but forced. He even leaned back, the eyes that had seemed blue appeared green now in the direct sunlight that shone through the windows. They lay on him, analyzing and suspicious, as if Blaine was a threat he had to be on the guard around suddenly.  
“To do what?” He asked.  
Blaine thought about it, came up with nothing and went with:”You’ll see on Saturday. Just know it will be fun. Don´t wear anything too fancy.”  
“Because I will embarrass you otherwise?” Kurt shot back. 

His voice was icy, matching his glare. Blaine gulped in response, raising his hands, indicating that he meant no harm. Like a magnet, both of their eyes were drawn to the blood red bracelet that was revealed when the fabric slid down. Blaine quickly looked away, before the pain in his heart could increase and he would be lost in the little memories he had.  
“Because I don´t want clothes you treasure to get dirty, Kurt.”  
Kurt’s stiff stance changed slightly, his shoulder slumped, though he still had his arms crossed in front of his chest. He looked guilty and sorry, but he didn´t usher an apology or anything else for that.  
“You know Kurt, I worked hard for being who I am now. And as much you don´t want to hear it, I know you hate yourself for taking drugs. I know because whenever I thought about the reason for taking them, I could only come up with ridiculous ones and that drove me to take even more, to feel better about myself. Looking back I regret many things I did, but you know what I regret the most?”, Blaine didn´t expect an answer and simply continued. “I regret having missed yeas of my life, because I only remember the snippets of being high and booze and parties and the bad parts of craving drugs and waking up with headaches and…losing someone. That is really all I can remember.”

Kurt was now the one looking out of the window. His voice was almost too quiet to be heard over the music, so he repeated himself. “What could you possibly do to change me?”  
It hasn´t been ´change´from the beginning. Blaine had heard the word he originally had said :´safe´. He knew that by himself, he couldn´t do anything to safe Kurt. He had to be the one to want to change, or he would never stop taking drugs. The will to change was the single most important thing on the road to recovery and it was Blaine´s task to lead him there. Though he still wasn´t sure if his methods would be working, he had his mind set on becoming Kurt´s support system.  
“It´s not you I want to change, it´s your attitude towards drugs and life. From now on, whenever you want to talk, be it about your problems or about the weather, I will be there for you and gladly listen. I want you to know that. Moreover, I´ll try to be your friend and your support system.” Blaine answered. He knew it was cheesy when Kurt began to smile fleetingly. 

“It´s not as easy as that. I don’t do friends. I would like to see you try, though.”  
“Oh I will.” Blaine stated, loud enough to make others hear.”Starting from today on, I make it my mission to become your friend.”  
Amusement flickered in Kurt´s eyes and whatever dangerous zone they had previously entered, they seemed to have left it, when his arms uncurled.  
“Sorry to disappoint you Fatfries, but you have to continue with your mission on Saturday, because I need to go now.”  
Kurt then stood up, leaving his mug on the table. Only this time he didn´t rush out of the shop, but held out his left hand. Blaine shook it, focused on remembering that Kurt was left-handed.  
“So you´ll come with me on Saturday?” He asked, unable to hide the relief in his voice. Instead of answering, Kurt smiled mischievously and walked away. This time Blaine didn´t follow him, ordering another coffee instead, this time with milk, before walking to the subway station. He wasn´t sure if this day had been a success or not, but he felt like he had at least tip-toed into a new direction with him.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The restaurant on a Thursday night wasn´t busted, which Blaine was grateful for. The day had been long and strenuous and the knowledge that he had to write an essay when he got home didn´t help that much. His mind had finally shut out the back-ground music though and the only thing hurting were his feet. Quickly carrying out the last order for his shift, he felt the constant smile he put on for work finally slip out of place as soon as he turned away from the customers. He sighed entering the kitchen. Tina, who helped her mother in the kitchen twice a week, looked at him.  
“Is everything alright?” She asked, following him through the doors that lead to the tiny locker room. From the kitchen Blaine could hear her mother scream after her in Chinese.  
“It was just a hard day. Since leaving at 7 I wasn´t home once.”  
He shed the dark grey vest, unbothered by the fact that she was in the room. She knew he was gay and even though her gaze lingered on him sometimes, he knew she was just appreciating him, not actually loving him. That much was clear when he had met her boyfriend Mike with whom she formed the ´Supersweet Asian Couple´. That´s what Mike called it at least. 

“Why is that?” Tina questioned. “Your shift started at 6 pm.”  
Blaine continued undressing his upper body, before pulling on his Brooks Brothers sweater back again. One of the things he disliked was using unnecessary lies. Lies that were only meant to deceive and let one remain in a higher position in the eyes of the ones, you told them to. But he wasn´t ready to share his secrets with her, so he decided for the safe version.  
“I met a friend.”  
She nodded. Both remained silent until he was out of his work clothes and was ready to go home. He smiled at seeing her new apron that had little hearts all over it.  
“Can I ask you something?”  
“Of course.” She answered. He then looked her in the eyes that he realized were colored green by contact lenses.  
“How does one make a friend?”  
Blaine felt himself blush. That had come out a little different than he had expected, but he honestly hadn´t had many great friends in his life and those he had had banded over school. One look at Tina showed him that she took the question serious, her eyebrows furrowed in thought.  
“I think one of the important things in becoming a friend of someone is to share hobbies or be at least interested in what the other likes. Find things you have in common in order to have long conversations you both like. And I think you need trust to keep the friendship up. For example you know if you are my friend, if I trust you enough to lend you money.”

Blaine grins.“Would you lend me money?”  
“Of course, Silly.” Tina punches his shoulder playfully.” We are friends.”  
In this moment he felt bad for doubting her or his other friends. Maybe it was time he trusted them and let them in. But that could wait for another evening, when he wasn´t ready to collapse on the spot.  
“Blaine whoever is stupid enough not to want to be your friend is not worth it. Don´t try too hard, it will work out eventually. You are a good person.” She whispered when they hugged goodbye.  
In response he squeezes her a little tighter. As soon as he was out of hitting range, he turned around and said:”You only say that because you have a crush on me.”  
Quickly he closed the door behind him and rushed through the kitchen. Behind him he heard Tina curse in Chinese, her mother answering in a harsh sounding voice. The whole restaurant heard and understood Tina´s next words though.  
“I take it back. You are definitely the devil, Anderson!”  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The next day went over much the same, the only thing missing was Kurt, because when he brought the coffee he had promised, Mrs. Wright informed him that Kurt was long gone. After that he went to take the drug test, explained to his father what the voluntary job was about and was exhausted by the time he finally curled up in his bed. David had asked him if he wanted to go to a party with him after watching the football game, celebrating the fact that it was yet another Friday, but he had declined. Parties were not approved of his father and if he was honest, he was afraid he wouldn´t resist temptation if everyone drank. And drinking could lead to much more dangerous substances.  
David and Wes had asked him for several weeks now and the longer they knew each other, the more questions they asked. Blaine thought about Tina´s speech about trusting friends again and wondered how they would react if they knew about his past. He doubted that they would end their friendship, but what If they started to treat him differently? He didn´t want that. For now he could still use excuses, mostly his work or homework. Today it had been that he had to get up early on Saturday. Kurt. Fuck, he hadn´t thought about what to do with him yet. Groaning, he opened his eyes and grabbed his laptop from the nightstand. 

His eyes burned when the bright light hit them and he cursed himself for not thinking about that sooner. After 10 minutes of mindless searching for things to do in New York, his phone rang. On the screen a picture of his brother Cooper appeared, where he wore his show smile and pointed at the camera.  
“Cooper, I have more important things to do, than talking to you at 1 am.” Blaine said as soon as he answered the phone.”So you either make it important or just stay quiet and I will end this call.”  
“Ah ,my little brother is in good mood I see. What exactly are those things that are more important in the night? Care to share? Is there someone I should know about?”  
Blaine bit down on his lips when the pain set in. It always did when it came to thoughts of a new relationship. He wasn´t ready for it yet, and Cooper seemed to have guessed that he had crossed a line.  
“I´m sorry. What is it, maybe I can help.” Cooper offered. 

Blaine found himself explaining the past two days with his job and Kurt to him. Cooper was his support system, while his father was like a leash, keeping him near and safe, but constricting him nonetheless. That´s why he knew he could confide in his brother, no matter what.  
“Now you´re asking me what you both could do?”  
“You were the one to call me.” Blaine cut in.  
“Yeah well, you should be nicer to the one that safes your ass.”Cooper said.”So Kurt is a closed off teenager with trust issues. You should work on that first. Do things that require two people to have trust in each other.”  
Sometimes Blaine hated to admit that his brother was right, because he had always been in Cooper’s shadow. While their father didn’t approve of Cooper becoming an actor, they still had an okay relationship. When Blaine had come out, his father had not said anything. Working overtime and avoiding him was enough of an answer though. After the incident in his band, Cooper had been the one to pick him up, pull him out of his messy apartment and handle things with his band when Blaine couldn´t have one straight thought. He was also the one to pick up the pieces of Blaine and glued them together carefully. Since then Blaine loved and trusted his brother. 

“Like what?” asked Blaine, sure his brother was already bursting to finally present his idea.  
“Like rollerblading.”  
“No. And how does that require trust?”  
Cooper laughed.”You could fake being totally inept on the blades, et voila, he needs to support you.”  
Blaine smiled as well, but wouldn´t ever tell. He thought about how it would look for the New Yorkers, to see a teenager with pink hair and piercings support a grown man on the skates.  
“Just, no!”  
Cooper continued coming up with ridiculous ideas that Blaine was happy to shut down. They ranged from utterly hilarious ones to the ones Blaine would take in account to do with Kurt later. 

“Waterskying, snowball fights, indoor climbing, guitar playing, karate.”  
“Stop.” Blaine said, giggling.”Indoor climbing. That´s it. While he climbs I could hold the rope that ensures his safety.”  
Both researched indoor climbing in New York, until settling for Brooklyn Boulders. Blaine remembered going there with his brother a few month ago to ´learn the ropes´ and he wondered if Cooper had thought of it as something more than having fun as well.  
“I think someone has to thank me now for being brilliant and awesome and a genius.” Cooper stated, making Blaine roll his eyes.  
“That wasn´t why you called.” Blaine tried to distract him.”Anything happening in your life?”  
“Apart from waiting for the praise? No, I just wanted to hear your melodic voice, Blainy.”  
He shut his laptop and laid back down. He hadn´t realized how cold his arms were before he covered them with the blanket.  
“You did not.Tell me.”

Cooper clicked his tongue.”Honestly, it can wait. It´s late and I know you need your beauty sleep more than me.”  
There was no point arguing with him now and Blaine lacked in willpower to do so. He made sure to remember to call Cooper tomorrow and prod a little, maybe boosting his ego, to make him spill.  
“Goodnight, Coop.” Blaine muffled a yawn.  
“Goodnight baby brother.”Cooper replied.” I hope tomorrow will be a success. I know you will be able to change Kurt, it will just take some time.”  
Like it had with me, Blaine assumed. With Cooper believing in him, he felt a little resurrected and felt his nerves cease their sizzle and his muscles relaxed.  
“Thank you. You are the best.” Blaine mumbled, knowing that his brother would hear the fondness and the honesty in his voice. He would know that it was meant in more than one way.  
“I know.”  
With his phone still in his hands, Blaine fell asleep, for once not clutching the bracelet or waking up with tear streaks. He dreamed of rollerblading in a park, holding hands with someone.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Blaine never overslept, but when he did it was always when it was the most inconvenient. Much like today, when he had to pick up Kurt at 11 am and had ten minutes to pull on clothes that would make him look wise and trust-worthy, while also being comfy to climb in, brush his teeth and send in the drug test results to his father’s laptop. He gathered after being late already, he could pick up the coffee, hoping Kurt would drink it today and arrived at 11.20 am.  
When he rang the doorbell this time, a middle aged woman in a green tracksuit opened the door, staring down on him, as she was bigger.  
She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “We have not ordered a baby Burt Reynolds impressionist, so take your Lego-head hair and get lost.”  
He looked at her dumb folded, blinked as if he had misheard, but was smart enough not to comment on that.  
“You have to be Sue.” Blaine said instead.”Nice to meet you. I´m Blaine Anderson, a volunteer. I am here for Kurt.” 

Her expression didn´t change, she still looked like a snake ready to strike, but at least she stepped back. He entered, pulling of his shoes before she could rip his head off.  
“Porcelain is still asleep in his cell. Good luck trying to make him move his pear hips out of it on a Saturday. First room on the left side upstairs.” Sue said. She smirked at him, as if knowing things about him he wouldn´t want revealed, when she disappeared in her office.  
As soon as she was away he let the breath escape that he had held. Afraid she would come out again and insult him, he hurried upstairs. Much like downstairs, there were several doors leading from the hall, most of them closed. At the end of the hall there was a big floor to ceiling window with a small table placed in front of. The dark-skinned girl he had met two days ago sat at it, reading a magazine. He waved at her as she noticed him, but as expected she gave no indication of returning it.  
“I wouldn´t wake him if I were you.” Was the only thing she said when he entered Kurt´s room. 

He ignored the warning and slipped in, trying carefully to be quiet. He felt like a spy, ready to look at Kurt´s room closely in hopes of getting to know him better. The white walls, the empty desk and the white linen surprised him, lacking the colorful and flashy appearance of Kurt himself. The room looked lifeless, apart from the mop of brown and blue hair barely covered by a blanket. A quick glance to the cupboard again, under it was nothing more than dust, then he nudged Kurt with his elbow, the coffee-cups still in his hands. Kurt mumbled something inaudible into his pillow.  
“Good Morning Sunshine.”  
Kurt slid away further.“No. Let me sleep!” 

“Rise and shine. We need to go soon.” Blaine stage whispered directly in Kurt’s ear. The reaction was immediate and he only processed what had happened when he felt the warm coffee run down his upper body and the stained pillow on the floor.  
“Fuck.” Escaped Blaine´s lips, a word that would make his father cringe.  
The warm beverage clung to his skin, drying on his shirt and hands and making him shiver. It was then that Kurt turned around and blinked his eyes open. Part of Blaine was angry enough to want to scream at him,maybe get revenge by pouring the rest of the coffee over Kurt´s head, but he forced himself to stay calm. This spider web thin threat they had build up two days ago would break too easily.

“Oh my- Shitfuck. I am sorry. So fucking sorry. Are you hurt? Do you need to cool your skin?”Kurt was off the bed in seconds, helplessly standing in front of him.”Just fucking say something. Do you need an ambulance?”  
Despite the discomfort Blaine felt, he couldn´t stop himself from smiling. This was a breakthrough that he hadn´t expected so soon. Kurt seemed so much smaller and younger when he didn´t pretend to be tough. His snow white hand reached out to touch the now lukewarm stain, his eyes staying on it.  
“It was more like a too warm shower than scalding, so I mostly worry about my shirt-“  
“Another Brooks Brother outfit, I know.” Kurt interrupted him, pulling his hand away quickly.”This is not something I have in my collection, but I will lend you something. Again and for the last time, I am sorry.”

Blaine watched Kurt open his cupboard and then pull out a medium sized suitcase. In his pajama, that consisted of a too large blue shirt and white boxer shorts, he knelt down to go through his clothes. Over the lid, Blaine spotted various colors, style products and mirrors. What he did was probably invading Kurt´s privacy, but in this job he couldn´t allow himself to be too lenient. He had been so once before and it had ended in a catastrophe. That he hadn´t seen any drugs when the suitcase was closed was a good sign at least.  
“I still don´t know what you are up to, but this should fit. Another bathroom is at the end of the hall, on the left side. I will get ready in my own and then we can go.” Kurt said.  
Once again he had hugged himself and whatever sneak peak Blaine had of the caring Kurt, he knew that he was gone for now. He nodded. At least he had a guess on where to dig now. 

When he entered the hall, he was relieved to notice the girl was gone. The bathroom he found himself in shortly after consisted of a small room with two sinks and a door that lead to the toilets. Blaine shivered, quickly washing off the coffee from his body, seeing his skin had a slight pink tinge where the beverage had hit it, but it didn’t hurt when he touched it, so he wasn´t worried.  
The shirt that Kurt had given him was dark green and plain. It was slightly too long and stretched a bit on his shoulders but otherwise fit. Inspecting himself in the mirror, he noticed the color brought out the green hints in his eyes and wondered if Kurt had chosen it intentionally. It would make sense, seeing that even though he wore clothes that Blaine hadn´t even worn in his band-times, they suited Kurt and matched his style. Still, Blaine would be delighted to see him in a suit just once. He was convinced the teenager would look dashing.  
Blaine was about to leave after a last glance at himself, when a boy with a Mohawk entered the room. Their eyes met in the mirror and the boy looked away before looking back at least twice, before addressing him.

“Dude, are you a burglar?”  
Blaine turned around, facing him, causing the boy to go into a poorly done fighting stance.  
“If I were, would I admit it?” Blaine answered.  
“Dunno. Maybe you are a stupid burglar.”  
“Or;” He said, raising his hands in a peace offering.”I am a volunteer for the sunshine project and am here because I want to pick up Kurt.”  
At that the boy relaxed, letting his arms sin while his hands were still in fists. His eyes were never leaving Blaine. He was sure that the boy wasn´t someone he wanted to cross at night.  
“For Hummel?”  
“Do you know him well?” Blaine asked, wanting to find out more about him.  
He turned around, washing his hands for a second time in order to have an occupation to feign indifference. He gathered this boy wasn´t up to more than light conversation in a bathroom about another boy.

“No one in here knows him well. Mostly keeps to himself. He often sleeps elsewhere. Seems to be into pills, has even begged me for money once. I shot him down. That´s probably all I know. Oh that and he´s gay, which drives Trace mad. Probably wants a piece of him secretly.” The boy said as if reading from a card.  
From his voice Blaine couldn´t be sure what the boy thought about Kurt, the words being said in such a monotone voice, apart from the last sentence after which he smirked.  
“Is that all detective? Thought it was your job to get to know Hummel?”  
“True.” Blaine stated, he dried his hands on the cheap paper towels that lay on the side of the sinks and then turned to leave the room.”Do me a favor and never lend him money.”  
This conversation weirdly reminded him of Tina. Without waiting for an answer, admittedly worried the boy would decline just to provoke him, he exited the bathroom. Kurt was waiting for him at the top of the staircase, his back to him. He wore a loose white top that had a big skull on the back that grinned at him, a loose gray jeans with two blood red stains that looked like hand prints right on his butt. Whether he wanted to or not, Blaine found his gaze lingering on them occasionally. 

“Are those really clothes you don´t value?”  
Kurt turned around and where the blue highlights had been, now were red ones.”I don´t have clothes I don´t value.”  
“We´ll go indoor climbing.” Blaine revealed, hoping he´d see Kurt smile again. Just a little. He didn´t, arms crossed again, scowl in its place.  
“Climbing?” Kurt didn´t disguise the disgust when he spat the word out like it tasted foul.”That is definitely not the right outfit.”  
He then vanished in his room once again, leaving Blaine in the hall. It then took him ten minutes to emerge with the same outfit, but with a bag hanging on his shoulders. Blaine, who had sat down when he realized he would have to wait longer than expected, stood up to follow Kurt downstairs.  
“Hey, we need to tell Mrs. Wright you´re leaving.” Blaine said, when he realized that Kurt had no intention of doing so. Boots on his feet, black coat in place already.  
“It´s not like I do otherwise.”  
“Well, now seems like a good day to start.”  
Blaine was the one doing all the talking, but the woman looked as if he had given her a new Chanel bag instead of a check out. Her desperate tries to talk to Kurt were shot down by him, but Mrs. Wright made sure to thank Blaine nevertheless. She even gave him the money to pay for Kurt´s ticket, insisting that they would use it to have fun.  
On the way to the Brooklyn Boulders, Blaine decided to follow Tina´s advice:Find something you have in common.


	3. Whenever I´m holding you

Chapter 3

 

The first few minutes of their trip were filled simply by the monologue Blaine held about climbing and how he got to learn the ropes there. Meanwhile Kurt was content with either listening or blanking out the world around him. Whenever he felt unobserved by Blaine, Kurt tended to turn around, letting his eyes search for whatever he suspected was behind them. Today he didn´t seem high on something but a horror trip would at least explain the apparent signs paranoia he showed. Looking down, Blaine could also see trembling fingers.  
The fact that Kurt reminded him of the former band member so much rocked boats in Blaine´s emotional world, that were better left untouched and calm. After so much effort on chaining them to the docks, Kurt severing them was not something that sat well with him. Blaine quickly grew irritated, wishing for once that he had a cigarette to calm his nerves.

“Would you please say something?”   
Kurt looked at him, a shadow of the boy he had been yesterday. Blue eyes with bags under them and sickly pale skin. A ghost. “Hmm.”   
“Hmm won´t do.”Blaine said.”If you want to or not, we will spend month together and all I know about you, is your coffee order, your unhealthy habits and you fable for eye-catching clothes. Drop me a hint about you. Favorite Color or favorite animal?Anything, really.”   
Judging by the expression of his after he had again turned around, he was contemplating Blaine´s words. As soon as the flicker of hope had been ignited though, cold blue eyes blew it out. This was to no use, questions made Kurt uncomfortable. Without any idea how to approach him next, they walked side by side in silence.   
Blaine occupied himself by watching the people walk by, the shops they passed and the streetlights turn red before he grew bored again. He wasn´t used to being quiet, growing up with a hyperactive brother with whom he often had to practice before his auditions did that to him. 

“Pizza Hawaii sucks. I mean why mix the sweet pineapple with the salty ham? Why order Pizza if you want to eat something that´s sweet, when you could eat yummy chocolate?” He tried, in a vain attempt to fill the silence.  
He hadn´t expected Kurt to answer a statement about Blaine´s dislike of some food, but to his surprise he did.  
“I like it.”  
And just like that, thanks to a Pizzeria they had crossed, he had found the manual for Kurt. Some things still appeared to be in Chinese, but right there, he had found a tiny English passage. One he would definitely take advantage of.  
“Yuck. It is almost as bad as Lady Gaga outfits. Or maybe it will be the next outfit of hers, with Gaga you never know.”  
“Lady Gaga is an icon. Her work has influenced many people to be themselves. She is unique in a world of uniformity.” Kurt interrupted, looking shocked by Blaine´s words. “I can´t believe I am talking to someone who doesn´t appreciate her.”

Blaine chuckled, barely able to stop himself before he could hug Kurt, he was that happy.”I know, just wanted to hear you rant.”  
“How did you know I like her?”   
“I simply did.”Blaine said, smile back in place.” Blue is a great color, right?”  
Beside him he saw the flicker of a smile and though it was gone quickly, one could still see the sparkle in Kurt´s multi-colored eyes. They looked grey by now, without the sunshine being able to reach them through the skyscrapers.  
“I know what you try to do.” Kurt then said.  
In the distance Blaine saw Brooklyn Boulders.”What would that be?”  
“You try to get information about me by saying topics I will then comment on.”  
“Does it work?” Blaine asked when he realized Kurt didn’t sound offended. 

Even though Kurt answered with ´maybe´, by the now uncrossed arms Blaine knew he had had a small break through. Before they checked in to get their climbing equipment, Blaine had learned a few things about Kurt with this method. For example that he indeed liked the color blue, the winter, New York and the Wicked musical. They agreed on most topics, Kurt´s sentences shortcut, while Blaine elaborated on things, stating their pros and cons until Kurt shut him up with a glare.   
The shoesize he required to rent out climbing shoes was even revealed by Kurt after he had asked a direct question, and both looked at each other knowingly, stepping into an area that was closer to acquaintances than strangers. Kurt drew a line when it came to fitting his harness though, only allowing him to explain things and in the end make sure it was safe for him. He had only had a lesson in learning in belaying but with the certification he was allowed to be the one being Kurt´s safety net. Just as predicted. They walked over together, waiting for the Staff to help them attach Kurt to the ropes.

“I was climbing with my brother here twice. The people seem to be very friendly and all that I broke was my dignity when I hung in the air like a wet sack in my rendition of a lame Superman. Or the Penguin in Batman, which was probably the lamest villain in the history of Batman comics. ” Blaine found himself saying, only slightly filtering his true thought, letting parts of his true character and lame jokes through to let Kurt get a glimpse of it,  
It stung when Kurt didn´t look amused in the slightest. He was even back to hugging himself and for once it took Blaine by surprise, because he had thought he had made a little improvement. Turns out Kurt was even displeased enough by his joke to cause his fingers to shake.   
“Not a fan of Batman, huh?”   
Kurt turned even paler.”I can´t get up there.”

Following his gaze Blaine saw several people climbing on the high walls that hung from the ceiling like stalactites, supported by people standing on the ground. Most of them looked graceful climbing the wall like some would a ladder, supposedly having done that about a billion times. When Blaine had been up there, he sometimes had gotten stuck, not sure if he could reach the next stone to pull himself up, but he had made it to the top nonetheless. It had been fun, which was precisely why he had not spent one thought about how Kurt would feel about climbing. If the slowly backwards retreating form was any indication, he was not as elated.   
“I can´t” Kurt muttered.”Don´t make me. Don´t make me, please.”  
He watched Kurt´s left hand cup his mouth, as his breathing got rigid. The small chest heaved with the deep uneven breaths and Blaine watched helplessly as Kurt began to panic. Unvolunntary his hands went up t placate Kurt like one would an animal.

“Please.” Kurt stumbled away when Blaine attempted to touch and soothe him, his eyelids fluttering.  
“Kurt, Kurt, listen. You don´t have to do this. I would never force to do anything that you don´t agree to. Let´s sit down somewhere and you can calm down, alright?”  
It took a while, but then Kurt´s head bobbed shakily up and down. His breathing was still hitched, but he let Blaine take his right hand, to lead him to a bench. Blaine made sure that they couldn´t see the climbing walls from where they were located, before sitting him down in the entrance hall. Blaine didn´t know how to approach someone who just had a panic attack, so he handled the problem much like he would with a kid. Still holding the sweaty hand of Kurt that fluttered in his hands like a butterfly, he knelt down in front of him. That way he was able to look in the face of him.  
“Should I grab some water for you?”   
Kurt shook his head, causing tears to roll down his cheeks. When Blaine reached out to wipe them away with his thump, their eyes met and for the first time Blaine didn´t see the teenager or the kid he had to help, he saw Kurt. Blazing blue eyes with red rims and a pointy nose and all and he looked beautiful. Even crying he resembled a porcelain doll. What about William?

As if electrocuted, Blaine´s hand retracted. Suddenly he felt as sick as Kurt had looked only minutes before. He always did when he thought about men nowadays. Like he betrayed him. This time his body seemed to malfunction though, since he wouldn´t dare to think of Kurt, 8 years younger and addict teenager Kurt, in a romantic way. Adding to that, Blaine had never been one to fall quickly for someone.  
“Can I ask you what this was about?” Blaine said.   
“Acrophobia.”  
“That would be what?”  
Blaine suspected what it was,and Kurt confirmed it.”I am afraid of heights.”  
Seldom Blaine had felt so stupid. He should have asked Kurt if he wanted to go climbing on the high walls, but he hadn´t. Instead of trust, the foundation of their budding friendship now was as thin as tracing paper. Wet tracing paper at the most.

“I am really sorry. I should have thought of that.”Blaine apologized. His thumb stroked Kurt´s palm, before he pulled his hand away.”How do you feel?”  
“Like shit.” Kurt replied sounding more exhausted than anything else. “Is there anything I can get you to make it better? Ice-cream? Ambulance? Just-”  
Kurt shook his head in reply, his styled hair slowly loosing its form, causing one red streak to fall onto his forehead without him noticing.   
“I guess that means we will bring back the rented things and go home.”  
Blaine felt the slight remorse at spending the money he had received on this, since Kurt could have said something when Blaine announced they would go climbing. He hoped he had trained his facial expression enough not to let it show and add guilt to his distress. It was rather hard to suppress his shock though, when Kurt stood up, wiped his eyes, back straight, for once and not even hugging himself; determined as Blaine had never seen him.   
“No.” He said.”I will not let my life be defined by anything. Not even my fear.”

Blaine stared at him with admiration, nodding sharply to encourage him. He did not have it in his heart to tell him that the drugs did define him already. For now he would take this attitude as something he would remind Kurt later had been his goal once.  
“There are lower walls we can climb on though, right?”  
Blaine chuckled, nodding his head to the area they could go bouldering in. They walked there at a slow pace, hands finding one another, providing the cold and still slightly shaking one with warmth and safety. It was just the lifeline Blaine had thought he would be when he held Kurt´s ropes, but much more intimate. Kurt was protective of himself and being able to lead him boosted Blaine´s self-confidence.  
“Batman is nothing compared to Ironman by the way. First Lady Gaga, now this. I doubt we will ever truly get along, Fatfries.” Said Kurt.   
When Blaine noticed that they had almost reached the bouldering wall, he noticed Kurt´s body getting tense, so he stroked his hand with his thumb.   
“They are both pretty cool. But Scarecrow really hooked me onto Batman.”  
Kurt arched a pierced brow. “Scarecrow, not Joker?”

“I know it’s not the common opinion, but I liked the fact that the Scarecrow could drive people crazy with his toxin and make them into psychos like himself. Manipulate them until they are too nuts to tell on him.”, Not sure if talking of fear was the right topic for their conversation, Blaine added.” And, the Scarecrow is also my favorite character in´ The wizard of Oz´.”  
They had reached the climbing walls and Blaine felt the remorse when Kurt pulled away his hand. It left his hand cold and he realized by then that Kurt´s hand had just been small enough to fit perfectly into his.   
“Something we can agree on.”   
Kurt´s smile was wavering quickly when he put his hands on the rocks, feet not leaving the ground. Blue eyes turned to him, silently asking for help when Kurt´s mouth couldn´t.   
“Can I help you? I could steady you until you feel safe enough to continue on your own.” Blaine offered.   
“No. Just…Just stay near in case something happens?”  
“Of course.” 

Kurt´s first attempts to place both feet off the ground and on the rocks instead failed and with every try Kurt grew more agitated. A few curse words left his mouth whenever he wanted to place one shaky leg on a higher stone. He was just about to say Fuck, when Blaine put his hands on his hips to help him, stunning him into silence. Kurt didn´t comment on it and finally pulled himself up farther. The silence stretched between them much like it had on the way here and Blaine began to hum the happy tune of the Scarecrow´s song ´If I only had a brain´.   
“You can let go now.” Kurt said when he had climbed high enough to make Blaine stand on his tiptoes to support him. Slowly Blaine retracted and stayed on the ground for several minutes, watching Kurt climbing sideways. Only then he joined him, climbing at an equally slow pace, aware of how Kurt would feel otherwise. A habit of his was to think about the way certain things would make himself feel, before acting them out on others. That way he would be the best person he could possibly be and be able to like himself again. It was something Cooper had taught him when he was at his lowest.

It seemed to work, make Kurt smile and when Blaine climbed a little higher, Kurt dared to go with him. They stayed on the lower parts though, just a body-length above the soft ground that would reduce the risk of hurting oneself after a fall. They didn´t stay on one wall for long, moving to other areas to climb there until their hands and feet hurt and their muscles ached. They didn´t speak much. Whenever a song was on that Blaine liked, and Blaine liked almost every song, he would sing or hum along. He noticed that Kurt seemed happy when he did and while he didn´t join in, his eyes sparkled in joy.   
Deciding they had enough after an hour, they gave back the unused harnesses and shoes and Kurt vanished in the boys room to change into his jeans again. When he returned, Blaine was already outside, watching the busy afternoon in New York. The day had gone well after the unexpected confession of Kurt. From time to time he had watched him struggle with continuing to climb, but he had always pushed himself to do more. To go a little higher than he was comfortable with and Blaine felt like a proud parent,  
“I hope your trips are not always sport related, because I keep this body fit by being on diets, not by sweating like a pig.” Kurt said.  
“Oh come on, you liked it. And your hair is still perfect, so better thank me for not picking anything requiring a helmet.”  
Though Blaine would like to have a sparring partner in kick boxing other than Wes. Wes, who always won with what he called his Asian genes.   
“It was okay, after you tortured me with the height. Another thing you should memorize about me.”

He looked for any signs of further distress in Kurt´s face, but he found none. All he saw was the relaxed expression of someone who had had fun and what seemed like pride in his own abilities.  
“I am genuinely sorry about that.”Blaine looked into Kurt´s eyes.”It was just an attempt to show you, you can trust me. I guess that went a little wrong.”  
Kurt went back to hugging himself then, looking at the sidewalk dotted with old gum. Then he simply walked ahead, head casted downwards.  
“Hey, what is wrong?” asked Blaine, trying to keep up.  
”Blaine, I think it´s needless to say that it is very hard for me to just trust you. Not just you, anyone. I also know it´s your job to get to know me. Mentor things and shit, but I tell you now that I am a hopeless case. Pills just are an out for me in a life I hate and would otherwise throw away, so why take them away? I am happy with the way things are right now, but they don´t get that. They send you and as hard as you try to fix me, your glue will run out.”  
Blaine started to protest, a ´no y-´ already leaving his words, but they were ignored.  
“There is a reason I have no friends. You want to know why?” Kurt finally looked at him.”Because I pull them down with me, but they crawl back up, because they are better than me in the end.”

His heart pumped wildly in his chest, his first instinct kicked in to just believe him. Blaine knew enough people taking drugs, had started because his friends had convinced him that weed was harmless. Pills were harmless, cocain was harmless. Well, it wasn´t. And neither was Kurt. He was a temptation in himself, young and beautiful, addicted and addictive. Blaine would believe that was all there was to Kurt, but it wasn´t.   
In the few hours they had spent together, he had seen the boy that was covered by the thick walls Kurt had put up. It was the boy he wanted to protect with his arms and with his attitude, but Blaine had caught glimpses of him through all of the façade. He wouldn´t give up on him when he knew he could help.  
“This morning, when you think you scalded me with coffee and were concerned for me, that was not a broken boy, Kurt. That was the Kurt I want to see more of. Sure, it will take time to let me in, but I will do it. You don´t need my glue to fix you, you will do it yourself.”  
When Blaine was finished talking, he saw tears shining in Kurt´s eyes.  
“It´s my choice to take drugs. Would you rather let me commit suicide? Because this is what keeps me alive!” Kurt stated loudly.   
For once Blaine was not bothered who heard them, but he could see that Kurt needed privacy. This matter was not one that should be held on Brooklyn streets for ignorant people to overhear. He gestured for Kurt to follow him, from time to time turning around to see if he still followed, before getting inside the city toilet. Kurt quirked an eyebrow, scowled but after several persuasion attempts on Blaine´s side, he gave in. Snapping the bolt shut, they stood facing each other in the cramped space of a smelly city toilet. Instantly Kurt scrambled away as far as was possible with space that was usually limited to one person.  
“Pervert much? Come on, at least take me somewhere decent, like a fuck hotel or something.”

“You are wrong.” Blaine said, ignoring the crude words.”Drugs are not what keep you alive, they destroy you. Financially, socially and medically you will be ruined. And what then? Do you think your situation has improved then? Let me tell you that from the point you are at now, it will only go downwards.”  
A pale hand shot to the lock only to be caught by Blaine´s. He would have never thought a city toilet would be the perfect place to discuss important matters. It could prevent someone from running away nicely.  
“Nice sermon, how long has it taken to write this speech? I predict it could be nominated for Razzies though. A little over dramatic and all.”  
When Blaine tried to hold his hand, he pulled it away.”It is not over dramatic, it´s realistic. I know because it has taken me years to come clean and understand that all drugs made me live in a fantasy world and that made it even harder when I hit bottom in reality.”  
Kurt smiled coldly, looking dangerous in the blue tinge of the toilet walls.”Weren´t you listening? This fantasy world, as you call it, is what keeps me alive!”  
Death was not a topic Blaine enjoyed talking about. It made his blood run cold and the lump in his throat grew thicker minutely.   
“No.”He finally managed to say.”If you had wanted to be dead, you would be. You cling to life even if it sucks and because you don´t trust anyone, you confided in substances that couldn´t betray you.”

“Look, I get it. You play psychiatrist right now and that would be fine with me, if you actually knew me longer than a few hours.”  
As if sensing he had found just the right argument, Kurt began smiling smugly. Blaine suspected the only reason he didn´t lean against the wall was the fact that he wouldn´t want his shirt to get dirty. “You´re right, I don´t.”  
Kurt grinned humorlessly.“I know.”  
“But you are actually not the first human on this planet ever feeling like death would be a good solution to end the suffering.”Blaine pokes his finger into a bony chest, making Kurt flinch.”Everyone at least thinks about it for fleeting seconds in his life, but most of us keep going. So tell me Kurt, why are you still alive?”  
The knuckles on Kurt´s hands have long turned white where they hug his body.”Do you want me gone? You wouldn´t be the first one.” He seethes, Blaine´s heart aching a little when nothing is left of Kurt´s smug exterior. He looks younger like that, vulnerable like a kitten.  
“Of course not. I want to know the reason you have never gone through with it?”  
“Drugs, you fucking idiot!” Kurt said, but there is no power behind those words.  
Blaine shook his head, shaking away the politeness that came along with wanting to leave a good first impression.”That´s a lie. You said yourself, that is what keeps you alive, but what I ask of you is a reason for wanting to.”

When Kurt replied, it was merely a whisper, his eyes turned to the ground.”Drugs-“  
“Do you want to know what I think? I think it actually is hope that keep you fighting.”Blaine shuffles a little closer to him.”You hope that something good awaits you later in your life. That you can leave the sad parts behind you and start anew.”  
He would have thought he would feel more nervous just assuming things about people he barely knew and actually saying them right to their faces. He would have never guessed that trusting your instincts would feel freeing. Never once he doubted his words when he said them.  
The tears that had threatened to spill over for quite some time finally run free on Kurt´s cheeks. He cried silently, looking fragile with his arms around the tiny torso.   
“You don´t know a th-“ Kurt sobbed.  
“Yeah, I don´t. I don´t know what dark past has caused you to want to die, but if you want to confide in something, let it be me. People tell me I´m a good listener.”  
Kurt slid down until he crouched on the floor. In the narrow space Kurt´s knees touched Blaine’s legs. 

“I can´t. Not now.”  
“That´s okay.” Blaine stroked a hand though the brown and red hair of Kurt.”I will be there when you are ready.”  
For a while sobs were the only thing that broke the silence, and Blaine continued running his fingers through Kurt´s hair until his tips got numb. From time to time the door rattled whenever someone else was desperate enough to actually use the city toilet for what it was built for, but they ignored them.   
“What now?” Kurt asked, his voice shaky.”I don´t think I can just quit taking pills and be happy and shit. I am not even sure if I want to.”  
Blaine let his hand slid down to his chin, raising Kurt´s head.   
“Now I´ll try to convince you of my awesomeness and life´s awesomeness and your awesomeness and then we will fight your battle together.”  
Kurt looked doubtful and surprised as if he had never guessed to hear something like this. He probably never had. It ached to think about him being lonely and depressed.  
“You are not alone, Kurt. From now on I will be here for you. You deserve being cared for.” Blaine said, hoping to lift some of Kurt´s doubt. He didn´t get an answer for a long time and new tears spilt over dark-blue eyes.

“What if you don´t like me?”   
Blaine laughed at that, causing Kurt to flinch. Realizing his mistake, he continued stroking his soft hair until he felt the rigid body relax again.  
“I already do. You´re witty and smart and caring. You also value music as much as I do, so how could I hate you? And I know that once you let me in, we will be best friends.” He stated.  
Kurt sobbed dryly, but smiled, reaching up to hold Blaine´s hand once more and Blaine knew that in a smelly city toilet in Brooklyn, their friendship began. Fragile like a flower already ripped out of the earth, still in desperate need of water. But water would come for certain.  
“Coffee?”Kurt asked.”My threat of course.”  
Blaine nodded, pulling him up, the walls around them shaking with their movement. Standing so close together, fingers intertwined, Blaine felt Kurt´s breath on his cheek and saw Kurt´s long, wet lashes flutter. He was surprised when he was hugged. “Thank you.” Kurt whispered in his neck, before letting go as quickly as he had moved in.  
“I´m not sure holding hands while exiting a city toilet together would look too good to other people.”   
Kurt snickered, wiping away the last remnants of his tears with his free hand. The other clutched onto Blaine´s as if he hadn´t heard what he had just said.  
“Then why not give them something to gossip about?” He asked.   
Both of them grinned like fools when they opened the lock and exited. Due to the narrow space they both looked slightly disshelved, Kurt´s hair a mess and as expected the eyes of the people seeing them bulged. One man had just been about to knock on the door, now stunned in silence, his fist still raised. A little girl even pointed at them. But what did it really care after what they had been through today? What were stranger’s opinions against half an hour in a smelly toilet? Blaine found himself not caring for them for once and one look at Kurt showed him that neither did he.


End file.
